


Cold

by Dehvanhansen



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: ALL THE GAY, Adoption, Angst, Character Death, Dysfunctional Relationships, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Family Issues, Fighting, Fluff, Foster Care, Gay, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Original Character(s), Romance, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Substance Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-12-11 19:38:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11721144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dehvanhansen/pseuds/Dehvanhansen
Summary: Things are realized, feelings are felt, love is shared. Of course it's served with a side of angst.





	1. I should've told you

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first deh fic, and first time posting on AO3 so pls don't hate me. There's an original character in this story so please don't hate me for that either. I'm really open to any suggestions and tips. Enjoy.

**Incoming text from Con**

" _hey, are we still on for tonight?_ "

Charlie picked up her phone while setting her book down, with a slight smile she read the text from her boyfriend.

" _Of course babe :)_ "

Barely seconds after pressing send, she already had a reply;

" _Ok, just checking._ _See_ _you later._ "

It was roughly about the middle of winter in Colorado, which meant a lot of snow. Conner and his girlfriend Charlie both shared a love for walking though forests when everything was covered in snow because to them it meant that even the things that struggle sometimes, are beautiful and can recover.

Charlie and Connor are both in their junior year and they both struggle with being on the outside; always being looked at like they're some kind of freak show.

That's how they met.

A couple months ago Charlie ran out of spots to hide in at lunch without being picked on, so she landed on the decision of sitting with Connor and hopefully not having to make much conversation. Obviously that plan didn't go the way she thought it would.

_Charlie's POV_

I laid back on my bed, taking in a deep breath. Tonight was the night that I was going to tell Con that I loved him, but that was easy compared to what you had to tell him before that.

That I'm adopted and what my birth mother put me through still sits in the back of my mind, keeping me from being able to sometimes accomplish the smallest tasks.

" _It'll be okay,_ " I thought to myself, " _it's gonna be just like day you told Connor that you had feelings for him. He's not going to freak out about it._ "

After about half an hour, I pulled myself off my bed and walked over to my closet, raking through my different sweaters to find one that would be relatively cute to wear on an evening date with Connor. I eventually settled on a navy blue turtle neck with a black jacket. Throwing my hair into a loose braid, and putting a black and white toque on, I was ready for my date.

 

_Connor's POV_

 

I can't help but be a little worried. Charlie and I have been dating for roughly four months so when she asked me to talk tonight I started to panic. What if she was breaking up with me? What if she tells me I'm a bad boyfriend. I probably fucked this whole thing up like I always do. Why can't I just keep something good in my life?

"Hey Hun," my mom knocked on the door and cracked it open slightly to see me sitting on my bed.

"Dad and I are going out for dinner and Zoh is at Alana's. Do you have any plans for tonight, or are you just gonna stay in?"

I motioned for her to come in if she wanted.

" Yeah, uh, Charlie and I are going on a walk tonight actually.. To talk." I could tell my mom had the same thoughts running through her head that were in mine.

She leaned against the door frame the way that she always does when she thinks I'm upset.

"Well, do you know what about?"

I shifted slightly while moving my gaze from the floor to the window.

"Um she, she uh didn't say," I responded while trying to hide I was. My mom came and sat down beside me, resting her hand on my leg.

"Well, I'm sure it's nothing honey. Girls can be very vague sometimes. It'll be okay and you know you can call me whenever you need to, right?"

"Right," I breathed out, running my hands through my hair, "thanks mom."

She patted my leg as reassurance before getting up and heading to the door.

"Any time hon," she smiled as she left down the hallway, leaving me with myself and the sound of Pink Floyd playing faintly through my earbuds.

I decide to get up and put on a sweater that Charlie loves because she thinks it makes my eyes stand out, grab my phone and earbuds and head out the door.

 

______________

_Charlie's POV_

 

I waited under our tree for about 5 minutes before Connor showed up. I've always been the one to show up early but that's okay, I enjoyed being early.

When Connor showed up I did a double take. He always looked good to you but tonight, he just looked... better? He was wearing your favourite sweater of his, if was a darker shade of green, almost like a jade, and it really brought out his hazel eyes. His hair was pulled up in a high messy bun with some loose pieces framing his sharp but fragile face. I lost track of how long I was staring at him until he cleared his throat.

"Oh um, sorry," I stammered, feeling my cheeks go hot, "you just look really good."

He put his arms around my waist, pulling me closer and kissing the top of my nose.

"That's okay Char, you do too," he smiled as he tilted my chin up to look in my eyes.

I pecked him quickly on the lips and then lace my fingers in his as we started our trek through our favourite forest.

 

_Connor's POV_

 

She looked so beautiful with the winter light glistening on her skin. God I'm so in love with her. I can't believe she's mine.

We walked hand in hand for about 15 minutes while we caught up on each other's day, until she pulled her hand and slipped it in her pocket. Oh god. It was happening. She was breaking up with me.

Just as I was about to reach full panic mode, she stopped me and turned me so that we were facing each other and I noticed her eyes were wet. Was she crying?

"Con.." she whispered

"What is it?" I spoke softly as I wiped a tear from her cheek.

"I.... I need to tell you something that's been on my mind for the past couple months," she barely choked out.

"You know you can tell me anything." I tried to sound as comforting as possible while resting my hands on her shoulders trying to hide that fact that I was freaking out.

She took a deep breath and looked at the ground.

"I'm adopted, Con."

I was speechless. This was nowhere near what I was expecting to hear but still. For once I didn't know what to say to comfort my girlfriend. From what you know, or at least thought, was that Charlie had been living with her family her whole life and expected nothing different. But to find out that wasn't true and that she didn't tell you? Did she not trust you enough for her to tell you? Anger was starting to build up inside of me when she spoke again.

"Con... Con, please say something." She sounded so desperate. I ran my hands through my hair making it obvious that I was starting to freak out about this.

"I don't know what to say." I sounded tense, maybe too tense because she started to cry more. "Why didn't you tell me this before?! Can you not trust me?!"

At this point she was sobbing. Great. Now I really fucked up.

"No! It's because I didn't know  _how_  to tell you! If I couldn't trust you I wouldn't have told you now!" She was yelling at me through her tears and it really stung. "Connor.. I know I should've told you sooner,  _I know,_ but.. the things that my birth mom put me through.."

"No, no it's okay," I pulled her into a hug and held her head to my chest, tears rolling down my cheeks. "You don't have to tell me if you're not ready.. Lets just be here. In this moment, okay?"

After a while she spoke quietly and I could tell she was still crying, "okay."

I kissed the top of her head and held her tighter than I've ever held her before.

"I love you, Charlie Dawson" I whispered, lightly enough that she wouldn't hear it.

"I love you too, Connor Murphy."


	2. Black out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a fight, and pain always comes with a fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the weird formatting in the last chapter. I hope it was enjoyable. Also this chapter is a little shorter, oops

-A week after the confrontation in the forest-

_Connor's POV_

 

While on my way back to my room with popcorn and drinks, I try not to spill anything or wake up my parents. They were cool with Charlie and I having sleep overs, mostly cuz her parents don't care where she is or if she gets home safe. So most of the time she just stays over. I slowly open the door to my room, mainly to make sure I don't drop anything, but also so I can see Charlie in her natural element; watching Harry Potter in a hoodie of mine that she borrows when she's over.

She's so damn beautiful. How on earth did I get this lucky.

I walk over to my bed and hand her the bowl of popcorn and her drink so that I can crawl in beside her. The second I'm settled, she places the bowl by our legs so she can cuddle into me, with her head on my chest and her hand on my hip.

"Hey babe," I say as as I start to play with her hair.

"Mm?"

"How on earth did I get so lucky to have you here with me now?"

"I don't know babe," she turns her head so she's looking up at me, "I could say the same to you."

Before I have time to smile in response, her lips were on mine. It took me a little by surprise but I eased into the kiss, moving slowly in sync. I heard the laptop and the end of the bed close so she must have closed it with her foot. I pull away quickly to relocate the popcorn bowl to the floor, then once again connecting our lips but this time, with more passion.

I felt Charlie shift as she brought one leg around so that she was straddling me. I had her face cupped, so I pulled down so that her neck was in reach and I start to kiss it, finding her sensitive spots.

Her hands found the brim of my shirt and she swiftly removed it, leaning down to kiss my lips, then my jaw, to my neck, to my collar bone, working her way down until she was at the waistband of my pants.

"N-not now babe.." I breathe out, letting my head fall back.

"Why not?" She sounded slightly pissed, but she's not the only one who wanted this.

"My parents are down the hall and Zoe is in the room next door. Do you really want them to hear us?"

"We'll just..be quiet then.." She smirked, moving her hands to my button and popping it undone.

I was starting to get frustrated. Why wasn't she listening to me?

"No, Charlie. You said that last time and we got caught. It's-it's just not a good idea, okay?" Pushing her hands from my waistband and buttoning up my pants. "Maybe tomorrow or something, just not right now."

"Yeah, no I get it. It's never a good idea is it?" She asked it with such intensity that I felt a chill go down my spine.

"No, Char that's not what I meant-"

"Yeah well it doesn't matter.. I think I'm just gonna go.." she spoke softly but coldly, picking up her things. I try to grab her arm but she pulls away.

"Charlie, just don't, it's not a big deal, okay?" A million thoughts were racing through my head but the only one I could focus on was that I didn't want to lose her.

"I'll see you later Connor." That was the last I heard from her before she left my room and a few minutes later I heard the front door close. I considered going after her but that would only make her more pissed. It was best to just keep my distance. But  _how_  can I just sit in my room while my girlfriend, the one good thing in my life, is wandering the streets at night, in winter?

I can't believe this happened a week after our last argument. I can't seem to stop fucking things up between us lately. She'd probably be better off without me. The whole school hates me, my dad hates me and now Charlie hates me. It would be better for everyone if I just disappeared tomorrow.

The last thing I remember is turning off my phone and heading into the bathroom.

 

_Charlie's POV_

 

I left Connor's in such a blind rage that I didn't care where I went as long as I was walking. It was late, which meant that there weren't many cars out - thankfully, because I couldn't see very well through the tears in my eyes. I just hoped I wouldn't run into something or slip on any ice.

-time lapse-

It's been almost an hour since I left Connor's and I started to feel really bad. As much as I hated to admit it, he was right. It wasn't the right time to get into something and I should've listened to him but I got too carried away. It's like I wasn't in control of what was happening in my brain, and now I'm outside at 1:00am, in the middle of winter when I could be snuggled up to Connor but no. I had to ruin everything just a week after our last argument. Both of the incidents were caused by me. How does he manage to stay with me? He'd be better off without me - he could be happy. No. I can't think this way again. I was getting better. I decided to text Connor to apologize knowing he'd be awake to receive it. He was always up super late.

" _Hey con,_ " I typed, " _I wanted to apologize for tonight. I didn't mean to act up like that."_

I waited 10 minutes and got no response. Weird. He normally always responds right away, especially after an argument.

" _Con.... I know you're mad at me, but you can't stay mad forever. Can we please talk?_ " I texted him again.

Another 10 minutes passed and still no response so I decide to call him, leaving me once again - with no response.

I was starting to freak out, Connor's never ignored me like this before. My mind was racing through all the possibilities of what could've happened to him for him not to respond to me as I started to cross the street.

The last thing I remember was my body going numb.


	3. Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are felt. Things are said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!!!! I'm not over the fact that someone actually bookmarked this oh wow. The underlined texts are from Charlie, to make it more of a realistic text conversation. 
> 
> tw: homophobia

_Charlie's POV_

 

I was awake.

I was awake but my eyes were closed.

I was awake and I could feel what I was lying on. I could hear who was in the room. I could feel the eyes watching my every breath.

There was a hand holding my left.

Praying it was Connor's, I squeezed it lightly. I felt him squeeze back and then the voices left the room.

I felt Connor lean over and kiss my forehead, letting me know that I could open my eyes now.

"Con-" my voice broke as I saw were I was. The hospital.

"Shhh" he whispered, " you're okay now. It's okay. We're okay."

I felt a tear roll down my cheek as I racked my brain for any clue as to why I'd be here but all I could remember was Connor not answering me after our fight and my body going numb.

_Oh my god._

"Was I.. did I...?" It pained me to see that Connor was having trouble holding it together.

"Yes-" a gentle sob shook his fragile body, "a car..."

I started to comb his hair to calm him down as I tried to come to terms with what happened.

_I got hit by a car._

_How?_

_I never even saw it coming._

 

* * *

 

 

 

It was nearing exams now and I was finally getting used to my regular life again. I only broke a couple ribs and got a concussion in the accident so I was really thankful to be up and moving again.

Connor had a lot of trouble adjusting to seeing me in pain so often and having to help me with simple tasks but he seems okay now.

At school, I'm all people can talk about. If they weren't mocking me for dating Connor then they were pretending to be sympathetic for me. I know they didn't actually care about what happened to me and it doesn't matter to me. The only things that mattered to me was that I was alive, with Connor by my side.

 

* * *

 

_Connor's POV_

 

I dropped Charlie off at her place after school for the first time after the accident. My mom insisted that she stayed with us while recovering because she was already like a second daughter to them, and because her and I would both feel better if we were around each other. But she insisted on going home so that she doesn't get distracted while studying for her exams, which I understand, but she could've used one of our guest rooms.

As I left her place, I gave her parents very clear instructions on how to care for her without seeming too clingy and accidentally setting her off. I didn't care how I sounded either, they should've been there for her to go home to that night and then this wouldn't have happened.

When I pulled into my driveway, I couldn't bring myself to go in the house without Charlie, so I decided to go for a walk and clear my head.

Popping in my earbuds, I walked to the forest we called "ours." It was a fairly long walk so when I arrived, I decided to just stop and admire the scenery. It looked like something straight out of those dumb Narnia movies Zoe made me watch when I was younger. I take out my phone and take a picture to use for later purposes and kept walking.

I received a text from my mom about an hour later asking me if I was coming home for dinner but I told them to eat without me. I wasn't usually hungry anymore because I've gotten so used to putting Charlie and her health before mine, that my body just sort've forgot the feeling.

I felt something bump the side of my shoulder and a figure walk past me in the opposite direction, followed by a series of "I'm sorry's" and "I didn't mean to's," turning to see who it is, I caught the anxious eyes of a boy I seemed to recognize... but from where?

The boy had short, honeycomb coloured hair parted neatly and gelled down which made him look older and more sophisticated. He was wearing khaki coloured jeans with a light blue parka.

"I'm sorry, did I hurt you? I really didn't mean to bump into you. It was an accident really. I was looking up at the trees and the sky and I didn't see where I was going, I really didn't mean to." He kept ranting to himself like that for a little longer until he finally introduced himself. "Um, Evan. S-sorry, I mean, um, I'm Evan, well my name is Evan. Evan Hansen."

"I'm Connor" I tried to sound as friendly as possible to actually try and make a friend to show my parents that I'm making progress with the whole "anxious freak" thing.

"Oh, no I know"

"You know?" Of course he knows. I'm the freak of the school.

"Yeah well um, I uh see you around and stuff-"

"It's okay" I had to cut him off before he rambled on for 5 minutes again. "You, uh, you like this forest as well?" I was trying so desperately to make conversation and not scare him off but it didn't seem to be working..

"Yeah I love trees" he stuffed his hands in his pockets and shifted his gaze to the ground and then to the trees, "I should probably get going, it's getting late and I have homework and chores and st- um goodnight Connor" he walked away so fast that you could almost call it a run.

_Good one Connor._

**Ping!**

I pull out my phone to see a message from Charlie

" _What's up buttercup?_ "

" _Im just on a walk_ "

" _The forest?_ "

" _How'd you know?"_

" _Because you always go there when something's on your mind"_

" _Damn babe, you really do know me_ "

" _Oh hey, I have some news_ "

" _What is it babe?_ "

" _Y'know that Evan Kid from school?_ "

" _Yeah?_ "

" _Well I bumped into him, or he bumped into me - more like. Anyways, yeah I actually talked to him. Idk I think I could be friends with him, I didn't get that anxious when we spoke!!_ "

" _Aw Con, that's so great. You should totally try and be friends with him! It would be really good for you. You should tell your parents when you get home, I'm sure they'd be proud of you"_

" _I might actually do that..."_

" _I'm glad :)"_

" _So what was on your mind for you to go to the forest?_ "

" _Idk I just needed air I guess_ "

" _Are you sure? I know you Con, there must have been something on your mind_ "

" _Trust me, I just needed air. Don't worry :)_ "

" _Alright then, I'll talk to you later, love you_ "

" _You too_ "

 

* * *

 

-Murphy house-

 

"Yeah so um, while I was in the forest, I met this guy and I uh actually talked to him" I nervously waited to see how my parents would respond, I just wanted to make them proud.

"Oh honey we're so happy for you!!" My mom was ecstatic and pulled me into the tightest hug I've ever experienced.

"T-thanks mom" I stuttered out. My dad gave me a nod of approval and a pat on the back as I walked past them to the stairs.

While walking upstairs I could hear my parents talking about me again. So I decided to close my door so that there was a small crack for me to listen to.

"Larry, aren't you happy for him? He's doing so much better than he was"

"Yeah which gives me another reason to believe he was doing it for attention."

"Larry you can't say that. He's our son and we need to love him right now"

"Yeah well I'm trying."

"You need to try harder. He talked to someone today  _and_ told us about it. That has to mean something"

"If he wasn't with Charlie, I'd think it meant he's gay."

"Larry!"

"It's true Cynthia. Did you not see how his eyes lit up while he was talking about him? The last thing this family needs is for him to drop another bomb on us."

"I've had enough Lar, I'm going up to bed. Feel free to join, or don't."

I could hear my mom making her way to the stairs and I quickly shut my door and walk to my bed, practically falling onto it. I felt a tear run down my cheek and I wipe it away as quickly as it appeared. Did my dad really hate me  _that_  much? I couldn't think of anything in my life that hurt more than hearing those words.

I pull out my phone to text Charlie but it's almost 1:00am, so I know she wouldn't answer but I still have to tell her.

" _My parents are figuring out I'm gay_ "

To my surprise, I got a response within 5 minutes.

" _But you're not. You're pan, aren't you? That's different_ "

" _So? It still means that a percentage of me likes boys._ "

" _Okay, I get you're upset, but you're with me so there's nothing to worry about really, right?_ "

" _Yeah.. goodnight char_ "

" _I'll see you tomorrow. I love you._ "

I was about to respond when I saw I had a friend request on Facebook in my notifications so I went to check who it was.

It was from none other than Evan Hansen.

I accepted.


	4. I don't know, maybe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan Hansen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is just a little sneak peak into Evan as he's now becoming part of the story.

-Thursday Morning-

_Evan's POV_

 

I got to school early this morning so that I could work on my photos in the darkroom before anyone else was there. I always got really anxious when people other than my teacher saw my photography. I try to make the photos I take as personal as possible, it makes them better. But when I got into the art room to get the keys for the dark room, I noticed someone sitting at a table, obviously lost in whatever they were drawing because they didn't notice me enter. About halfway into the room I realized who it was.

Connor Murphy.

I felt my face get hot, and my hands get sweaty as I started to panic. I tried to grab the keys and get out as quickly as I could but the keys slipped out of my hands and crashed on the floor. The sound ringing throughout the otherwise empty room, causing Connor to look up from his work. Now I was really starting to panic, this is the last thing I wanted to have happen this morning. Well, other than every other possible worst case scenario that has been planned out in my head waiting to happen. He  _can't_ figure out how I feel about him, so I tried to rapidly calm myself, using a method my therapist recommended to help ground me. I rubbed my thumb along the palm of my hand as I slowed my breathing down. Connor still watching me, but I decided to ignore him until I could breathe normally.

"Hey there Evan" he said slyly with a small smirk on his face.

"Oh uh, hey Connor" I tried so hard to act like I just noticed him as I picked the keys up off the ground.

"You okay over there?"

Shit he noticed.

"Uh yeah" nervously laughing, "yeah, I'm fine"

"Alright, well how come you're here so early?"

Why was he asking me this? He never noticed me before last night in the forest and that was because  _I_ bumped into  _him._

"Oh um, just some photography stuff. I have this assignment due during 3rd so I decided to finish it up before class so that I don't have to work in the dark room with like 10 other people. Uh, you? How come you're here?" nervously shifting my gaze from him, to the floor, to the window while rubbing the back of my neck.

"About the same as you. There's this art assignment due today and it had to be of, or about something that you feel strongly about. Normally I wouldn't care about handing it on time but I really like this piece." As he spoke he started to cover it up so that I couldn't see it, which only made me more curious as to what it was.

"What did you draw- Oh my god I'm sorry I didn't mean to ask I'm just curious that's all, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, I'm so sorry!" Of course he didn't want to tell you, he was covering it up for a reason.

 _Good one Evan_. Giving myself a mental face-palm.

"Oh aha, it's actually of the forest last night. It looked really nice with the sun setting so I grabbed a picture of it to use as a reference." He said while flipping over the page.

"D-do you mind, sorry, you don't have to if you don't want, but would you mind showing me the photo? I always enjoy seeing the photos people capture of nature and stuff."

Why was I still speaking?

He hesitated for a while before answering but eventually agreed to show me.

The picture was beautiful. Connor really has a great eye for photography. As I studied the picture, I noticed a figure in the middle-foreground of the picture. They were wearing khaki coloured jeans and a light blue parka. It was me.

 _That_ must be the reason Connor can't show me the picture. I must be in it. But why would he keep me in the drawing? He doesn't even know me. There was already blue in the picture because of the sky peaking through the trees, so I can't be there for contrast. Unless...no. I put the idea out of my mind as fast as it entered and handed Connor back his phone.

"It's gorgeous, you really have an eye for this sort of thing" I felt my cheeks getting hot and I looked away.

He laughed as he accepted my compliment, "thanks aha, it runs in my family but I've never found it to be 'my thing', ya'know?"

"Yeah I guess.. um I should probably get to work before people start to get here." I started to make my way to the door, "um, have a good day Connor."

"Hey Evan?"

Oh god. He knows. He knows I like him. Dammit Evan.

"I know that you eat lunch alone every day. Would you wanna sit with Charlie and I today?"

Did just ask  _me_ to sit with  _him_?

"Oh um, I don't know, maybe! Thanks!"

I walked out of the room with a pep in my step and a smile spread across my face.


	5. How we feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happiness, sadness, love, angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING !!!!!!!!! Inferred/referenced abuse, substance abuse, non-consensual behaviour, homicide, adoption/foster care.
> 
> This is the end of my pre-written chapters, so update times will vary from this point on. Ill try to post regularly but I've got rehearsals and shows so we'll see.

_Connor's POV_

 

It's been about 2 weeks since I asked Evan to sit with Charlie and I at lunch and even though he said he didn't really know if he wanted to; he's been sitting with us everyday. We enjoyed having Evan's company but the kids at school enjoyed it even more. They started calling us "the island of misfit toys" and other things like that. It didn't affect Charlie and I much since we were used to it, but Evan wasn't used to attention, let alone negative attention. I felt bad. He didn't deserve to be subjected to that, but yet he put up with it.

It didn't take long for Evan to really click with us, despite him having social anxiety. He was the kind of guy that makes cruel jokes but only in his head, so when you hear them out loud they're even funnier. He also really enjoyed having us over for movie nights, even though Charlie and I would cuddle the whole time. He would sit facing the tv and look over at us from time to time with the largest smile I've ever seen plastered across his face. It was adorable to see him so happy to have friends.

Tonight was Friday so that means movie night at my place. Charlie came over to my place after school to help me set up the den and Evan wanted to go home to finish homework first, so that gave Charlie and I some alone time.

From the moment we walked into my place there was a weird silence hanging around us. We made small talk while throwing our bags upstairs and getting some snacks, but nothing too exciting. Just catching up on each other's day and possible movies for tonight.

"Hey Con?" Charlie asked quietly, almost like she was trying not to wake someone, except it was just us.

"Yeah babe?"

"I love you." She smiled sweetly, but her eyes showed that she had something on her mind that she wanted to bring up.

"I," placing my hands on her hips and pulling her closer, pressing a kiss to her forehead, "love you too."

She softly placed her lips on mine. I cupped the side of her face with my right hand while moving my left hand from her hip to the small of her back, pulling her as close as possible to me, getting rid of any space there was between our bodies. Her hands moved up to the back of my neck and one of them shifted to my hair, running through it. As the kiss started to pick up the pace, she gave my hair slight tugs causing small moans to escape my mouth. I guided her to the counter and lifted her up so she sitting on it, wrapping her legs around my waist. We stayed in that position for a couple minutes and as I was reaching down for her shirt she pulled away and looked into my eyes.

"Maybe we should wait until after Evan's gone tonight? I don't want to scar him by him accidentally walking in on us.." she laughed at the end of the sentence and I could help but laugh as well at the thought of Evan not knowing what to do when he sees us going at it in my kitchen.

"Aha yeah, that's probably a good idea" I pecked her again and let her get off the counter. I walked over to the fridge, filling up two glasses of water and brought one over to her, pretending to be her butler.

"Your water, m'lady." I said, bowing after she took the glass from my hand.

She laughed that brilliant laugh of hers that lit up what ever room she was in. "Why thank you Monsieur." Curtsying as she accepted.

"So, Miss Dawson, shall we continue setting up for our movie  _extravaganza?_ " still keeping up the butler impression as I held out my arm for her to link hers with.

"We shall Mr. Murphy." She said as she linked her arm with mine and we walked towards the living room.

 

* * *

 

 

Charlie and I were lying on the couch, cuddled into each other, my hands tangled in her hair. The silence was comfortable, but the way she was avoiding my eyes, I knew she wanted to talk about something.

"What's on your mind babe?" I asked gently to show her I cared but didn't want to pry.

"A couple things" she responded softly, almost like she was preparing herself. "R-remember how I told you I was adopted?"

"Yeah, of course" I said now shifting myself so that I could look at her and fully listen to what she wants to say.

"Okay well um. My birth mom, Connor, was a really bad person-"

"You don't have to tell me this babe" I cut her off. I could see how much this was hurting her to tell me.

"No no, I-I have to. I want to." She took a deep breath to reassure herself. "She was a bad person Con. Living here now, being here with my family, with you, I was somehow able to suppress my emotions and memories. They were blocked from my mind. I completely forgot my life before here. I don't know what it was, but something must have triggered those memories, because they all came back. Every. Single. One of them." She took a shuddered breath as I saw tears well up in her eyes. "I lived with her until I was around 9 years old, and then I was taken into the system. My mo-birth mom, would um, she would make me do things that a kid should never do. I remember one time I had to go out to get milk and bread by myself because she didn't get any and I hadn't eaten all day and t-this one time, it was uh particularly bad." She took a long pause. "I had to attend one of her 'deals' with her and my birth father and things went um, things went wrong." A tear streamed down her face but she quickly wiped it away, taking a quick breath. "They shot my dad Con.." she finally let out a sob that had been built up inside her for who-knows-how long.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry babe, I'm so so so so so so sorry. God. I can't believe that happened to you, holy shit. I'm so sorry." I didn't know what to do but I just wrapped my arms around her and held her there, as close to me as possible.

Once her breathing and crying slowed down, she started again. "Um, and uh, sometimes she'd be out getting drunk or whatever she did and she would leave me with her friends and they would...." another long pause, "they would do things to me, and when I tried to tell someone they would, they would hit me and yell at me to shut up, and that no one would here me, or that no one would care about what happened to me" she let out a sob again but this one was different, it sounded and felt like she was...broken.

I held her in silence for what felt like forever until her sobs turn into gentle weeps that turned into single tears and shaky breaths.

"Charlie, I'm so, so, incredibly sorry for what you've had to deal with in your short life. I know what it's like to feel alone and like no one would care if something happened to you, but I can tell you this; I care and you are not alone. Charlie Lyla Dawson, I'm so in love with you and it hurts me to see you hurting. I want to help you, as much as it might hurt me to do so. Okay?"

"Okay."

My mind was running from option to option, trying to think of ways to distract her mind. The picture. I could show her the picture I did since she's always pining to see my art.

"Hey Char, wait here a sec" I got up and bolted upstairs to my room heading straight for my art drawer. I opened it and pulled out the first piece on top, and headed back downstairs to where Charlie was waiting. "You know how you're always wanting to see my art?"

"Yeah?"

I took a deep breath and handed her my picture, half terrified that she'll hate it, half proud of myself for being able to show her.

"Babe.... This, This is.." here we go, here comes the bomb drop, "this is incredible!" She sat that there admiring the piece while I stared at her in shock, I could feel the happiness build inside of me. The only people who have seen and liked my art are my mom and Mr. Davis, the art teacher.

She sat there looking at the page for a little longer before asking if the person in the picture was someone we knew, or just someone I added for colour contrast. I just finished telling her they were only there for colour contrast when the doorbell rang. We both hopped at the same time, and raced each other to the door. I won of course. I  _am_ six feet tall. I opened the door to see a smiling Evan wearing non other than his khaki jeans and his blue parka.  As soon as Charlie saw him, I saw her glance at me from the corner of my eye but I just ushered Evan in and tried to avoid her gaze.

We all got settled in the living room, Charlie cuddle up to my side and Evan sitting on my other side. He brought The Princess Bride,  _again_ , but I didn't mind that much. I'd always found the sword fights pretty cool and the costumes were awesome. About halfway through the movie I stretched out my arm cuz it was getting sore but I was also getting a bit antsy over being sat in the same spot for so long. I hate being forced to sit still and if it were any other movie I would have moved, but Charlie loves this one so much, I didn't want to disturb her. Evan could tell something was up and he moved his hand over to mine. I felt my breath hitch in my throat, but I played it off as though it was a reaction to the movie. He moved his thumb over my hand, which surprisingly calmed me down. It felt nice. Eventually I moved my arm back to hold the almost-asleep-Charlie and Evan's mood changed almost instantly. First I saw it in his eyes, like someone had told him his dog died or something, then he started fidgeting with the hem of his shirt, and then the moved to biting his nails. I didn't want to make him more anxious and bring it up, so I gave a sympathetic look and continued watching the movie. By the end of the movie, he was almost hysterical and I couldn't figure out what was wrong.

"Hey Connor, thanks for having me but I should really get home now, it's late and my mom will probably wondering where I am-" Evan started to get up and collect his things to leave.

"Ev. Take a deep breath. First of all, you're not going anywhere right now. Second of all, I know for a fact that you called your mom at work to tell her you'd be here. Thirdly, what's going through your mind right now?"

He started to control his breathing and he looked me in the eyes, "I'm sorry.." It sucks that he feels like he needs to apologize for what goes through his mind. "I-I just saw the drawing when I came in, and I, I noticed that it was me and then I comforted you when you were anxious and I thought for a second, well, never mind. I just, I'm sorry." He was starting to get emotional and I felt bad because I wasn't normally good with this kind of stuff.

"Hey Ev, it's okay. We can't blame ourselves for how we feel. And that goes for anything you may be feeling. Everything you're feeling is normal, and it doesn't make you a freak, or weird. It makes you, you, and we love you for it, right Con?" Charlie piped up. She always knew what to say to calm people down,  it's incredible. And she was right.

"Yes. We do." I gave him my best reassuring smile. "Now Hansen, sit your ass back down while I beat you in Battlefield 3."

"You're on, Murphy"

Charlie giggled as she watched us play and curse at each other. Nothing made me happier than us three being together and goofing off. I guess you could call it one of those perfect days.

But one thing Charlie said really stuck in my mind for the rest of the night and into the next day.

"We can't blame ourselves for how we feel."


	6. Distance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan talks to Charlie about what's been on his mind. Connor is acting different. Face masks are involved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some swearing, and lots of fluff!! I tried a different writing style for POV, let me know if it works. Also have fun with that cliffhanger ;-)

_Connor's POV_

 

It's Monday morning. 3 days after the most recent movie night the three friends shared. Three days for Connor to be by himself. Three days to think.

Connor showed up just on time, his sister Zoe, pushing past him angrily to make it to her class before the bell. As the tall, dark haired boy dragged through the halls, people turned to stare at him. Some pointing, some whispering. They all noticed something especially different about him. He was high.

Connor didn't care people were looking at him, he just wanted to make it to the cafeteria and sleep at one of the tables. Had it not been for Zoe yelling at him this morning to take her to school, he would've just stayed home. He didn't want to see Evan or Charlie today. He just wanted to be how he felt, alone.

On Friday during the movie, Evan and tried to hold Connor's hand, and Connor let him, for a little bit longer than he should have. What killed Connor was that Charlie was the first person to not think he was this freak that people made him out to be, and now he can't stop thinking about some stupid boy that he just allowed himself to become friends with. He knew that he was going to fuck this whole thing up, it only took time. Yet here he was, knowing full-well that he was gonna have to do something. That was something he didn't want to think about at the moment.

He must have been pretty lost in thought because he didn't notice the boy walking after him calling his name. The boy grabbed Connor's arm and Connor angrily pulled away, turning to see who tried to touch him. It was Evan.

"Leave me alone, Hansen." He tried to start walking again but Evan grabbed him arm again. "I said leave me alone. Can't you see that you're not really on my list of priorities right now. Just fuck off and go to class or something, I don't care, as long as you're not bothering me." This time Connor was able to walk away, he pushed through a group of 9th graders and vanished from Evans sight.

 

_Evan's POV_

 

Connor Murphy, one of his only two friends, really just told him to fuck off. That part surprised him more than hurt him. But what got to him was that he wasn't one of his friends priorities.

Evan was always scared of not mattering to anyone; he knew that obviously he mattered to some people, like his mom, but what about everyone else? But Connor had just confirmed that he didn't. Evan couldn't help but feel like every one of his organs was imploding and he wished that he could've disappeared right there. People around him were staring, taking in the scene that Connor had just one. It was like every stare was a knife cutting into his skin. The longer they stared, the deeper the cuts got. He felt a hand land on his right shoulder and a figure appear beside but he could get himself to turn to see who it was. All he hoped was that if the person was going to shove him into a locker, they would just do it quick.

"I saw the whole thing. I'm sorry Ev, he gets like that a lot. He didn't mean it."

Evan let out a breath he didn't know he was holding, it was just Charlie that was talking to him.

She turned to look at him while moving to hold Evan's arm, "how about you come over after school? We can talk or watch those shitty movies on that rental channel, maybe even order take out." Evan smiled weakly, feeling slightly reassured that someone at least cared about him.

"Yeah." He managed to get out, "that sounds fun. I'll just text my mom and let her know I won't be home till later."

"Alright! I'll meet you at my car after school?"

"Mhm"

Evan didn't show it, but he was really excited to be hanging out with Charlie tonight without having to worry about Connor yelling at him again.  
  


* * *

 

 

The day felt like it was moving in slow motion. It's like the universe knew that Evan was actually looking forward to something in his life, so it decided to make him suffer beforehand. It felt like one of those slow burns that you read in books and fan-fictions. Evan didn't like it. His leg kept bouncing throughout the day, even more so every time he checked the clock. He just really wanted to get out of here and be with Charlie where he would be able to calm down and have her reassure him that he was cared for.

 

* * *

 

 

"Ev.. have you ever tried a face mask?"

What in the hell did Charlie have planned.

"Um... no? Am I supposed to have to?" A tone of panic hinted in his voice.

"No, no. I'm just wondering cuz I wanted to know what it would be like to put one on you, if that's okay?" A smirk started to grow on her face.

"Oh, yeah, uh- I guess you could, sure." He didn't really know what to say, so he went along with it, silently praying that it wouldn't like burn his skin off or anything.

After the masks were on both of them (It took Evan almost twice the time to put on Charlie's face as it took Charlie to put the mask on his face, but oh well), they popped some popcorn and headed up to Charlie's room to watch a movie. They settled on The Goonies; a classic but nothing that Evan couldn't handle since some movies gave him anxiety.

Throughout the movie, Evan was a little distracted, still unable to stop thinking about Connor and the things he was feeling towards him and Charlie could tell. She leaned over and pressed pause on the controller and looked over at the anxious boy sitting cross-legged on her bed.

"Ok, what's up?"

"We're watching a movie.." his voice was full of uncertainty but he tried to disguise it with a small, breathy laugh.

"Ev. We may have not known each other for long but I like to think I know you better than anyone else." She was right. Evan had told her everything since they became close. The trust happened almost immediately after properly meeting. It  _was_  weird that he wasn't telling her what was on his mind but it's not like he's gonna be like  _oh hey I have a secret crush on your boyfriend and I have for most of high school, but I don't want to break you two up._  These kind of things don't work like that, they never do.

"Okay I get it if you don't wanna talk about it, but something is clearly bothering you and keeping it locked up in that brain of yours isn't gonna help at all."

"Okay.. um, I d-don't know how to bring it up.. C-an, I'm sorry, can I just say it?"

"Of course."

Evan took a deep breath as he thought about how saying his next sentence could end every good thing he has in his life. He could've sworn the gulp he took was audible but he didn't want to acknowledge that.

"IkindofhaveacrushonConnor," Evan blurted out. His gaze shifted to the floor as he took another breath and tried again. "I have a crush, you could say, on Connor. I have for a long time now but I didn't want to say anything because you two love each other so much and why would I would to come in between something like that. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."

"I know."

"You what?"

"I know. I've noticed you for longer than just the month and a bit we've been friends for. I see how you look at him," here it comes. The bomb is about to drop and he's never gonna get to see his best friends again because they're gonna hate him. "It's okay. I don't hate you, I mean I can't really blame you, he  _is_ gorgeous." More nervous laughter.

"Y-you're not mad?" Evan couldn't understand that she wasn't mad for him having feelings for her boyfriend. It didn't seem right, but that wasn't unusual for Evan's life.

"No, of course I'm not mad. It would explain why you've been distant since Friday. I saw your hands brush during the movie. It would also make sense as to why Connor got mad at you this morning. I'd offer to talk to him about it for you but I  _am_  his girlfriend and he would also get super difficult and lash out. I'm sorry Evan.." He could see she was trying to figure this whole situation out in her head, trying to see how it all would work.

"No, no. You shouldn't be sorry but um, t-thank you for understanding. I think I'll just avoid him for a couple days and let it blow over?"

"Yeah that sounds like the best thing to do." Charlie somehow sounded hurt  _for_  Evan, like he was a wounded puppy or something.

"Yeah.. I should probably head home actually now too, still have some homework to get done and I'm feeling pretty tired." Evan said as he started to stand up and gather his things.

"O-okay. Evan?"

"Yeah, Char?"

"We love you. Please stay safe."

"Of course." The uncertainty had left Evans voice and he sounded reassuring. He headed out the door and down the stairs, leaving Charlie's house.

 

* * *

 

At 10:45 Evan settled into bed, pulling out his phone that he hadn't checked all night. Panic flooded throughout his body as he saw the notifications waiting on his phone.

There were 13 texts from Connor.


	7. Confusion and Frustration In Modern Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we find out what happened with Connor leading up to the texts, and things go downhill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the beginning of this chapter takes place the same night that Evan got the texts from Connor but then we're doing a time jump to Evan after he got the texts!
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: IMPLIED SELF HARM, MENTION OF SELF HARM, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

 

_Connor's POV_

 

Today being a rough day was an understatement. Connor's teachers had to monitor him throughout the day to make sure he wasn't leaving to get high so when his morning high wore off he was even more miserable than normal.

There were so many things running through his head that he couldn't focus on or even explain. His father was blatantly homophobic, Evan liked Connor, Connor was in love with Charlie and yet he was still confused about what he felt towards Evan. Though, one thing seemed to stick out in his mind above all of the other thoughts; he would be better off dead and away from all of this crap going on.

There was no way he could tell Charlie this. She thought he was getting better, and he was, for a little bit. But this whole thing was harder than people thought, especially when you don't have a therapist to tell things to do you're left to bottle it all up until you snap. His parents wouldn't give a shit and would probably send him on another stupid "yoga retreat." The only person that had a chance of understanding anything or just listening to him was Evan but now that wasn't an option because of the stupid crush he had.

_Shit_

He remembered that he had yelled at Evan that morning. How did he forget and not remember until the day was practically over?  _Fuck I can't apologize now, he probably already hates me and thinks I'm a freak. Which is fine, everyone thinks I'm a freak so it's nothing new. Just another person to my list._

* * *

 

 

_6:08pm_

Connor had been staring blankly at his wall for two hours, letting his thoughts consume him. His phone lay flat in the palm of his right hand and an old razor held loosely in his left. Connor was aware that Evan and Charlie were hanging out tonight because Charlie sent him a text earlier to which he responded with just a "k."

 

* * *

 

It felt as though hours had gone by. Maybe they did. All Connor knew was that he was numb, his sweater was stained again and he needed to talk to someone.

He got up from his bed and walked over to the window, sliding it up far enough for him to slip through and sit on the roof, bringing his phone with him. The roof was covered in a thin layer of snow, looking like something out of a Christmas postcard, but nothing too heavy that he would slip off. Connor sat facing the tree beside his house. Evan always talked about he liked that tree, especially now that it was dusted with light sprinkle snow.  _Shit, again with the Evan crap._

Connor opened up his phone to see no messages from anyone.

Not like he expected anything different.

But he had hoped.

He clicked the messages app and started to type a message out to Evan. He learned online that if you write out what you wanna say to a person and delete it, then you'll feel better about whatever's going on in your head. So he gave it a shot:

" _Hey.... look I feel really shitty about what happened today. Can you call me  tonight?_ " pause. " _I'm also aware of whatever feelings you have towards me and I'd be lying if I said you weren't on my mind the past couple days but dude, I'm in love with Charlie and I wouldn't wanna hurt her. She doesn't deserve that. Plus like, what if it didn't even work out and we end up fucking everything over?! Whatever I guess. Everything else in my life is fucked up. My family hates me, everyone at schools hates me, I've tried to kill myself twice-"_ as Connor, distractedly went to delete the message he accidentally hit send and watched as all his thoughts sent to the one person who made him feel all of this.

_Fuck._

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK_

Connor scrambled back into his room, dropping his phone on the bed and running his hands through his hair. What was he supposed to do now? He couldn't hide from Evan everyday because then Charlie would know something was up. It would be stupid if him to break up with Charlie to ignore both of them, and Larry would kill him if he found out he was dating a boy.

After 10 minutes of brainstorming what to do, Connor half heartedly settled on just messaging him and trying to straighten things up before Evan read the message.

" _Hi fuck I'm sorry about that um I don't like you like that I shouldn't have said that"_

Sent.

" _Shit I mean I do like you but you know what I mean_ "

Sent.

" _Fuck I keep making this worse than it is_ "

Sent.

" _Good one Connor_ "

Sent.

" _Please god do not tell Charlie about my second attempt_ "

Sent.

" _I can't handle most of these thoughts, I'm so fucking confused Evan_ "

Sent.

" _You make me feel things I've never felt, I don't get it_ "

Sent.

" _FUCK WHAT AM I DOING I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND_ "

Sent.

" _God I'm so fucking sorry you had to meet me"_

Sent.

" _No one deserves to deal with me. I'm literal scum. I'm sorry_ "

Sent.

" _I need to leave you alone. I need to leave everyone alone._ "

Sent.

" _...I'm sorry Evan.._ "

 

* * *

 

 

_Evans POV_

_'There were 13 texts from Connor'_

 

Panic flooded through Evan's body, reaching the tips of his limbs and pulsing like fresh electricity. Why on earth would Connor send him 13 texts when he barely sent him 5 on a good day.

Two things stood out in Evans mind as to why 13 messages had been left on his phone.   
1\. Connor was still pissed at Evan and wanted to yell at him some more  
2\. Connor had tried to hurt himself and possibly succeeded

Evan was aware Connor was in a bad place; Charlie had brought it up a couple weeks ago as a sort of warning for Evan, but it never occurred to him that Connor could do something to himself.

The scrawny, sweat-covered boy scrambled out of his bed and tried to regain regular breathing while pacing his room. What was he supposed to do? Obviously there was the option of opening the messages but then there was the chance of Connor not being okay and he couldn't deal with that right now. As Evan was lost in his thoughts his phone began to quietly buzz on his bed. Someone was calling him.

Evan practically ran to his bed, anxiously grabbing his phone to read his screen. It was Connor. Relief washed over him knowing that Connor was okay, or at least alive.

"Connor, oh my god, you're okay thank god. Ididn'tcheckmyphoneallnightandIsawthatyousentme13messagesandIstartedtopanicbecauseIthoughtyoudidsomethingstupid-"

"Evan!! Hey. Ev, you can slow down. Sorry. Ya I'm okay, alive at least."

Evan paused for a second, taking a deep breath. Being able to relax a bit knowing that his best friend was on the other side of the phone. "Okay but... are you okay?"

"I'll be fine, it wasn't as bad this time."

Evan could hear the unsteadiness in Connor's voice, he knew he was lying but decided not to press him about it. "O-okay."

"Can you come over? If we're gonna talk about this, which I know you want to do, I don't want it done over the phone."

"Um, I-I can't, my mom doesn't like me leaving the house when she's on a night shift."

"Fine, I'm coming over there then."

"Conno-"

"Read the texts before I get there." And he was gone. Evan sat there, listening to the dead line for what seemed like ages until he remembered that he had to read the texts from Connor.

Evan opened the messages app and began to read.

 

* * *

 

 

"Wait so... you've had feelings for me this whole time?" Evans heart was fluttering but also felt extremely heavy knowing that he could break up Connor and Charlie.

"Well yes but I just, I don't fucking now how to deal with this. I don't know what to do. I didn't want to talk you about this but I can't talk to Charlie about it at all because she-"

"She knows." Evan cut in sharply.

Connor, stunned, "she what?"

"She knows. Uh, I talked to her about it tonight. Well not you liking me but me like you. She told me that she's known since we started talking.. sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up."

"Well. Fucking wonderful. Now my girlfriends thinks I'm gonna dump her and for a guy I only met a like 2 months ago. Fuck. I love her, I can't deal with this shit."

"We don't have to deal with this sh-shit." He tried to sound as relaxed as he could but Evan barely ever cussed, and even more rarely sounded relaxed while doing so. "We could forget this happened and um move on? If you want to.."

"I just need time to think about it, this whole thing is all so new to me still."

Evan was able to force out a small laugh, "believe me, me too."

"At least for right now can we forget about it? It'd be nice to have one less thing on my mind for once."

"Yeah for sure." Evan, realizing how late into the night it is, "Um are you gonna stay the night? It's getting kinda late and I'm not okay with you walking home this late."

"Yeah I guess, just pass me one of your pillows and I'll sleep on the ground."

"You sure?" Passing Connor his favourite pillow.

"Yeah it's fine. Night Evan. Thanks for being cool and not weirding out about it."

"No problem." But little did Connor know, Evan was freaking out inside. The boy that he has liked since the beginning of sophomore year, actually felt something towards him. Maybe this year was going to be a good one after all.

 

* * *

 

 

It must have been around 5:30 in the morning, due to the birds starting to chirp outside, when Evan felt the blankets to his double bed lift slightly while a warm body slipped underneath. Panic surged in his chest when an arm slid over his side wrapping over his stomach, and a head nuzzled into his bad. Relief washed over him when he remember Connor had stayed the night and some stranger wasn't in his bed.

Evan's heart soared.


End file.
